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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28910469">Love The Same</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryholidays/pseuds/merryholidays'>merryholidays</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gay, Gay Male Character, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary Character, rafael is not ok, these mfs gay, trouble with religion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:27:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28910469</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryholidays/pseuds/merryholidays</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rafael lived to impress others, always wanting to be who they wanted him to be, so much so that he didn't really know himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Original Male Character/Original Male Character</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Take me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He couldn't describe it. The ache in his chest as the pastor spoke, why his mind raced with fear and guilt. Why he felt so much disgust within himself, not being able to look in the mirror on some days, not being able to face his father on most. </p><p>How in a room full of people he'd only look for one face to comfort him and rid him of worry. Even where he knew they wouldn't be, Rafael couldn't help but glance around the room, his stomach turning and his legs shaking, he hoped to see them.</p><p>"I have to use the bathroom." He pushed himself out of his seat and down the aisle. Entering the bathroom, he locked the door behind him and let out a sigh of relief, the pastor's voice now muffled behind the wall of concrete. Rafael leaned against the door for a moment, regulating his breaths before making his way to the sink, staring at his reflection yet not knowing if it was truly his own as he hung his head and stared at the porcelain sink beneath him.</p><p>What was he doing there, in a building filled with people who'd shame him for who he was? That was a question that not even he could answer no matter how badly he wanted to.</p><p>Finally pushing himself away from the sink, he could hear the footsteps outside, the barely audible voices through the door as church let out. He composed himself once again, ready to put on another facade for his parents. As he left the bathroom and joined the crowd while they gathered outside he noticed Luther in the far corner of the small parking lot, the one person he'd searched for all evening, finally here. So he pushed through the crowd, eager to see him.</p><p>"Luther?" He stood in front of him.</p><p>"Hey, choir boy." They chuckled. Rafael couldn't help but stare at his smile, wanting so badly to wrap his arms around him but having to stop himself from doing so. </p><p>"W-What're you doing here?" Rafael crossed his arms. He hated doing this every time they met, having to stand feet away. God knows how much he wanted to be in Luther's arms, to be held by him.</p><p>"Came to see you." He leaned against the hood of his car, his eyes going past Rafael now, "Parents."</p><p>Rafael turned to see his mom and dad walking towards them, his heart sunk for a moment.</p><p>"Hey, bub, everything alright over here?" His dad looked between the two.</p><p>"Yeah, we're great." He replied.</p><p>"Alright well, we're going to start heading home so..."</p><p>Luther stood next to Rafael, "We're gonna hang out at my place, If that's alright with you both."</p><p>Rafael's parents looked at each other and nodded before leaving the boys on their own, "Be home before it gets dark, Love you." his mom waved as they walked away.</p><p>Luther nudged Rafael's side, "Let's get outta here." They both got in the car, just sitting next to him, Rafael's stomach filled with butterflies. As they pulled out of the parking lot Rafael felt like he was being watched, judged by the other families piling into their cars. Luther's sexuality was no secret to anyone and that was something that Rafael envied. They were so unapologetically them, so confident in themself and who they were. Luther wasn't scared of how others saw him, in fact, he loved it, he loved being known and seen, being the center of attention. Everything from his laugh to his personality was loud but maybe that's why Rafael loved him so much, because Luther was the opposite of him.</p><p>"You alright?" Luther shook his shoulder.</p><p>Rafael looked at him, wide-eyed, "Yeah... Yeah just thinking."</p><p>"Don't worry me like that." He smiled. His hand lingered on Rafael's shoulder before returning to the wheel, a small gesture but it made Rafael's mind race. </p><p>_</p><p>"My parents missed you." Luther chuckled, pulling into the driveway.</p><p>"I always was their favorite." Rafael shut the car door and walked with Luther to the front. When they walked in both of Luther's moms were on the couch watching Tv, they smiled and waved as the boys walked by and into the basement.</p><p>Sitting on the couch Rafael became overwhelmed with nerves, he wanted to tell Luther, he wanted to tell them everything but something was stopping him. Maybe it was the shame he felt within himself, the guilt, the weight of it all. The dream of being the perfect son in his father's eyes and having it crushed. Or maybe it was the fear of rejection, that his best friend would leave him on his own to deal with the thoughts he couldn't bear to speak.</p><p>"Rafael." Luther threw himself on the couch next to him, "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah." Rafael tried to relax.</p><p>Luther put their hand on top of Rafael's, their thumb going along his knuckles, "Talk to me, Rafa."</p><p>He looked up at Luther, he didn't know what to say. He had the chance to let it all out, the weight on his shoulders finally gone but all he could think about was the aftermath and what it could be. He loved Luther so much, too much, he'd do anything to keep him by his side even if it was as a friend.</p><p>"I can't." He said quietly, "I just... I can't." He pressed his lips together and stared off.</p><p>Luther wanted to help him, he cared for Rafael deeply but he wasn't going to force it out of him so all he could do was be there for him and wait until Rafael was ready, no matter how long it'd take.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Darling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>They stared at the Tv, Rafael's head on Luther's shoulder. He felt safe next to him, at peace. As kids, they'd hold hands, hug, be as affectionate as possible but back then it was "They're just kids." and "Boys will be boys." but now it was different. Now, they'd get stares and be met with whispers and rumors, part of Rafael didn't care yet part of him was filled with fear. But here in Luther's basement, there were no judgmental eyes, no one to tell their business. While Luther focused on the Tv, Rafael slowly moved to grab his hand, kind of nervous. And as he did Luther intertwined their fingers, his thumb rubbing the back of Rafael's hand softly. Rafael smiled and closed his eyes as he felt Luther's head rest on his. </p><p>
  <em>He sat up in bed but it wasn't his or Luthers, looking around the room he couldn't recognize a thing, it was all new. Rafael stood up and walked to the door, he could hear what sounded like kids downstairs, 'Where the hell am I?' </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he walked down the stairs he could see two children chasing each other around a couch, two boys, one blonde, the other brunette, they couldn't have been older than 4. Then he slowed to a stop in the middle of the steps as he heard a familiar voice.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Can you guys calm down, you'll wake your dad."  Luther's voice came from the kitchen, "Ares! Mars! I said stop." He walked over and picked them both up, riddling their faces with kisses. When Luther turned around their face lit up at the sight of Rafael, "Daddy's awake, go get 'em boys." He put the kids down and they ran to Rafael. He knelt to greet them as they practically ran him over, wrapping their arms around him and giggling. He picked them up and walked over to Luther.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mornin, Red." Luther smiled and kissed Rafael's cheek. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Time for breakfast?" Rafael walked over to the stove to see Luther sliding pancakes onto 4 different plates. He set the kids down next to the dining table and walked back over to help with the food. Sitting down, he looked around. The kids immediately began digging in and Luther took their time. Eventually, he looked up and met Rafael's eyes with a smile. Even with syrup going down his chin he still managed to give Rafael butterflies. As he began eating his own food Rafael came to a realization, he realized this was what he wanted, a family, kids, a home to call his own but what tied this whole fantasy together was Luther. He wanted it all but only if it was with Luther.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>"Rafael." Luther shook him awake. </p><p>"I'm up, I'm up." He sat up quickly and looked at Luther who stood over him, throwing on his sweater.</p><p>"C'mon, taking you home." He handed Rafael his jacket.</p><p><br/>
8 pm, it was silent. The only noise being that of the town and Luther's fingers tapping against the wheel. Rafael closed his eyes and a smile crept on his lips as he listened to Luther hum his favorite song, he'd sang it to Rafael so many times that he knew the lyrics by heart. Rafael felt the car slow to a stop and opened his eyes, the lights in the living room were still on and he groaned.</p><p>"So, I'll see you tomorrow?" Luther watched as Rafael stretched. </p><p>"Of course." He turned to face Luther, he hated saying bye, he always wanted their time to last. He knew he'd see them again but what if he didn't? </p><p>Looking into Luther's eyes, his stomach filled with butterflies. He reached over and fixed the mess of grey hair they possessed and all he could think about was kissing him, how he could just let Luther know how he felt whether he felt the same or not.</p><p>"Love you, Red." </p><p>"Whatever you say, Grey." Rafael stepped out of the car and waved as Luther pulled away. He sighed and turned to walk into the house. Unlocking the front door, he could already smell dinner. The table was already set, and his dad sat there talking to Rafael's mom. </p><p>"Well look who's home, had fun?" He took a drink from his mug.</p><p>"Yeah, lots." Rafael threw his coat onto the rack and took his own seat. </p><p>His mother brought their plates and drinks over to the table one by one before taking a seat next to Rafael's father. </p><p>"Wanna start the prayer?" He looked to Rafael.</p><p>Rafael looked between his parents, "No, I'm fine, you can start." </p><p>His dad stared at him, chewing the inside of his cheek.</p><p>"Derrick." She placed her hand on his arm.</p><p>Without another word, his parents put their heads down as his father recited a prayer. He couldn't bring himself to join them, feeling the same pit in his stomach as if he was in the church itself. He'd become so disconnected from religion he hardly felt like himself anymore. Hearing words of equality and kindness be spoken from the mouths of priests who'd turn their own children away based on things they couldn't control sickened him, the hypocrisy angered him and all he could do was hope his parents weren't the same. </p><p>"Amen." His parents said in unison. </p><p>They ate in silence for a few minutes, the chewing and gulping filling it. </p><p>Derrick cleared his throat, "So-"</p><p>"What do you guys think of Luther?"</p><p>"Your friend? He's a good kid, why? You two get in a fight or something?" His dad chuckled.</p><p>"No, it's just that, y'know, people talk and have their opinions."</p><p>His mom scoffed, "Because he's gay? Who cares, people are so full of themselves that they'll say anything about anyone, in <em>my </em>opinion, his sexuality is his business." She began picking up their empty plates to take to the sink.</p><p>"What she said." his dad followed.</p><p>"Alright." Rafael whispered to himself as he got up from the table and headed upstairs to his room. </p><p>As he sat on his bed, ready to sleep, he stared at the floor as his mind thought back to Luther's house. Did he know how Rafael felt? Was the hand thing a giveaway? <em>'Fuck me.' </em> He sighed and threw himself back onto his mattress, getting under the covers and shutting his eyes, <em>'That's a problem for tomorrow.' </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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